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my biggest fearCollapse )

 

my biggest fearCollapse )



this is so heavy and deep and specific for livejournal.

Current Mood:
lonely lonely
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its really hard to leave so much love and go to complete loneliness. it's even harder to know that its all changed and when i go back it will never be the same. i think thus far i'd describe college as painful. and i think i went to far away from home, to a school with no one like me.

why didn't i apply to emerson? i just keep thinking about it.

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 i wrote a long entry...got deleted because my computer is spastic.
bottom line: i don't want to go to school. i'm starting to think i picked the wrong school. the wrong major. and i can't handle the fact that it's going to be my reality in 5 weeks exactly.
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life is good. what a phenomenal feeling.
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I GOT INTO FORDHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Current Mood:
jubilant jubilant
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things in my life right now (not good or bad, just things)

mind blowing intense cramps (ook that's one bad thing)
a very high tab a the scituate library. they won't let me place a hold on anything anymore, its that high. 
i have to go to work 
i am skipping acappella because of said mind blowing cramps and headache to take a nap/bath/midol (and no, i won't take a nap in the bath, i'm not that dumb) 
outline outline outline stupid critical essay (it's really not stupid at all, i love the class, love the teacher, hate the work) 
we had an advisory this morning about "getting lazy because of stress; if this happens to you confide in an adult you trust and you can make it through" or i can just get lazy because i'm a senior, and still graduate.

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i lied. i' m a big liar.

if author purpose, themes and archtypal characters have taught me one thing, and one thing only, it is that who you are is determined by who you have been and what you have gone through. how could i ever then, leave my livejournal. i just need to update it more, and with happy entires. 

can do.

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i honestly had the time of my life on asp. i felt useful and like i had a purpose and needed and i needed people and it was just this little isolated utopia, and its over now. i've been home for two and a half hours and i would love to be anywhere but here. its just such a sad house. people can live in falling down trailers and be perfectly happy but my family just has this sadness hanging over our heads. at least now i know that there is something out there other than this, the problem is all i want to do is get back there.
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i have three first choice colleges. none of which i've seen. pepperdine, fordham, and university of denver. getting away would be wonderful seeing as in about an hour i'm leaving to stay at emily's because my mother and i simply cannot handle each other anymore. scary huh, that shes the one now.
Current Mood:
hopeful hopeful
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she's awake and talking :)
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